15 years ago tonight

15 years ago tonight my father died unexpectedly from a heart attack.

It is my tradition to watch "Its a Wonderful Life" on this night,
and I have been thinking of how my life would be different
if I had not had my dad. And also thinking about how our relationship might be different if he were still living.

I think it would be fair to say that my dad and I had a rocky relationship growing up. We both had lots of flaws and too high of expectations to accept the flaws. My mom says that we are a lot a like. This might be true in emotional temperament, although probably not in world view. (That may be a generational thing.) As a father myself now, I see the other side better. I know how one can try to love and still not connect and how my own fears and needs distort the love I try to give to my children. I see the walls going up every time I make mistakes, and wish somehow that I could go back and do it again, but time moves on.

There was a time when I wrote poetry, and I hope to someday write a song that deals with this, but there already is one from Mike + the Mechanics
which fits so perfectly to my thoughts on the months following his death that I think it only appropriate to add tonight.

I only wish I could have told him in the living years...

(please note this is copyrighted and in used without permission of its authors.)

Every generation blames the one before And all of their frustrations Come beating on your door I know that I'm a prisoner To all my father held so dear I know that I'm a hostage To all his hopes and fears I just wish I could have told him In the living years More crumpled bits of paper Filled with imperfect thought Stilted conversations I'm afraid that's all we've got You say you just don't see it He says it's perfect sense You just can't get agreement In this present tense We all talk a different language Talking in defense CHORUS Say it loud Say it clear You can listen as well as you hear It's too late when we die To admit we don't see eye to eye So we open up a quarrel Between the present and the past We only sacrifice the future It's the bitterness that lasts So don't yield to the fortunes You sometimes see as fate It may have a new perspective On a different day And if you don't give up And don't give in You may just be O.K. CHORUS I wasn't there that morning When my father passed away I didn't get to tell him All the things I had to say I think I caught his spirit Later that same year I'm sure I heard his echo In my baby's new born tears I just wish I could have told him In the living years CHORUS